Be Near

Be Nearby
Shane & Shane

You are all
Big and small
Beautiful
And wonderful
To trust in grace through faith
But I’m asking to taste
For dark is light to You
Depths are height to You
Far is near, but Lord, I need to hear from You

Be near, oh God
Be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
Be near, oh God
Be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good

Your fullness is mine
Revelation divine
But oh to taste
To know much more than a page
To feel Your embrace
For dark is light to You
The depths are height to You
Far is near, but Lord I need to hear from You

Be near, oh God
Be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good
Be near, oh God
Be near, oh God of us
Your nearness is to us our good, our good

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Trip to Honolulu

I really should start packing for my trip to Honolulu tomorrow. I try to get over there about once a month to see my family. My mom has advanced emphysema, lung cancer and congestive heart failure. She's not so mobile these days. My sister goes over to their house practically every night after work to help out.

My sister is amazing. If I could choose, I'd choose her! She lives a sacrificial life and wouldn't have it any other way. Every family probably has one relative who, at Christmastime, goes all out and gives like there's no tomorrow. My sister does that every year. And you want to ask, "where the heck does she get the money for this stuff?" And if you guessed credit cards, you'd be WRONG! Because she doesn't use credit cards. She literally saves through the year - sacrificing - in order to bless everyone around her by showering them with love at Christmas. But that's not the only reason I'd choose her. She's just a really cool sister. And the best daughter to my parents. Her name is Camille. I was talking to my cousin, D, about who will care for her sister (who cannot care for herself) when her parents have passed away. I said, "you need a Camille!" For if she had a Camille in her family, she needn't worry. I love my sis. Here she is overlooking Lanai City on our trip in July.

Isn't she beautiful? She looks like a model for an ad or something. "Here in the background is Lanai City, barren as can be, because no more pineapple anymore."

Airfares - it never fails that if I buy my ticket early, the airlines will have their $9 specials after that. Happened again this week. I'm beginning to wonder if someone should do a study on "The Cost in Work Hours Lost When Go! Airlines Announces Special Fares." Everyone wakes up to the news, lots of people are already at work, and so they probably spend some time at work looking for flights. Maybe that's why I'm complaining. I could hear the hustle & bustle around me at work of people comparing their flights, but I was just too busy to even take a peek at my calendar. Oh, but what am I complaining about? My flight is free with my AlohaPass credits.

A hui hou,
Lisa

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Grace Flows Down

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Pandora's Box

Now I’ve done it. What started as a simple desire to start journaling again has turned into a huge quest to find THE very best venue for the task. I’m now simultaneously on three sites - Blogger.com, Multiply.com and Wordpress.com. Talk about time consuming! They are all good in their own way, and I would say each one is best in something. So because I know that journaling helps me sort out my thoughts, blog hosting is the subject of today’s post. Kinda boring, so if you're not interested in reading about the pros and cons of three blogging platforms, skip this post ;).


What are my blogging objectives?

• reflection
• venting
• release creative energy
• have photos & videos available
• have links to others’ blogs

Who is my audience? Who am I blogging for?

• mainly myself.
• my family (that’s why multiply.com appeals to me. It is a social networking tool, but prettier than myspace.)
• other people going through the same stuff or just interested in reading.

What do I like about each service?

BLOGGER.COM

• easy to have multiple separate blogs.
• nice backgrounds and each blog can use different templates.
• easy to type lists of anything in the sidebar.
• saves drafts automatically.
• easy to add video from youtube.
• no ads unless I choose.

MULTIPLY.COM

• social networking
• has a place for photo albums
• has a place for lists of videos
• CON - only one blog
• CON - ads
• CON - can’t customize the header

WORDPRESS.COM

• CON - few templates in free account
• CON - to me, it’s not as user-friendly as blogger.com
• one blog, but I can add pages, which I guess could be separate blogs
• easy to add video from youtube
• easy to add photos
• no ads
• save drafts automatically
• CON - seems to have a limit on photo storage before I need to purchase more.

Well, I guess I’m sticking with blogger.com. If I keep my multiply site, I can link to my blogger.com site from there, but it won’t be my main blog. I need multi-blogs. I like WordPress, but I find blogger a bit easier to use. I hear wordpress is the wave of the future, but I’m just not ready for it. For instance, at one point, I recall seeing a link to add a blog to my account. But for the life of me, I can’t find that link anymore. I even went into their faqs. No matter, I’ll stick with blogger for now.

A hui hou,
Lisa

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Motherhood

It's a good week when I learn something new about myself, even if it's a hard week. My daughter K is 14 years old and I don't know if it's hormones, lack of sleep, or rebellion, but we had an all-out one this week. I actually slapped her, which is quite unusual. She has always been a pretty compliant child. I don't recall spanking her at all after the terrific twos or so. She just wouldn't do anything wrong.

But then came last Tuesday. The battle was over something minor but the attitude was major, and immediately after slapping her, I regretted it. She yelled something about calling CPS (before the slap) and I yelled back if I could make the call for her. I was ready to ground her for life, make her quit cheering, everything was at risk. I tried to apologize, but she wouldn't receive it.

In reflecting on it the past few days, I realized something I think is profound. God says, "You shall have no other gods before me." I remember asking Him a couple of years ago to show me in contemporary ways what another god looks like. How does that verse apply to me?

In my parenting, I give my children all of me - every drop. My time, money, energy, thoughts, service. And in return (this is what I realized), I expect something: gratitude, love, obedience. I think I even expect them to do/be something when they grow up that would make me proud of them.
These things in and of themselves are not bad. They are all good things. But that isn't unconditional love I'm giving them. It's very conditional.

I also realized that I gain a certain amount of my self-esteem by how my children react to me. And in that way, I am finding my self-worth in something other than my Creator. I am looking to something else to fulfill me. In essence I am saying to God, "I am not complete in you. You are not all that I need."

But God, in His wisdom and grace, sees where that path leads. If my self-worth is dependent upon anything but Him, sooner or later I will be crushed. So what He is doing is stripping that away from me. No longer can I hide behind my children and expect them to give me a feeling of self-worth. It's too big a burden for them. It isn't fair to them. When I look to God and Him alone to tell me who I am, it frees me to simply love my children without expectation. And without that expectation, perhaps the love will flow back from them to me. And if not, then it is still okay, because God says I am loved, and I am His and nothing will ever change that.

Contemporary Idol #1: Children

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Oceans Will Part

Oceans Will Part

Verse 1:
If my heart has grown cold,
There Your love will unfold;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.
When I’m blind to my way,
There Your Spirit will pray;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.

Chorus 1:
Oceans will part; nations come
At the whisper of Your call.
Hope will rise; glory shown.
In my life, Your will be done.

Verse 2:
Present suffering may pass,
Lord, Your mercy will last;
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.
And my heart will find praise,
I’ll delight in Your way,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand,
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand.

Chorus 2:
Oceans will part; nations come
At the whisper of Your call.
Hope will rise; glory shown.
In my life, Your will be done.
Oceans will part; nations come
At the whisper of Your call.
Hope will rise; glory shown.
In my life, Your will be done.

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Journaling, Mother Teresa and Hope

Well, this is it ... I'm beginning to blog! I'm looking forward to writing down my thoughts daily. I remember writing in my journal in the past. I've gotten out of that habit, and I miss it. I started journaling around 1992 on the day my friend, Cheryl K. died from cancer. I remember sitting in my car right after I heard, crying, my head spinning, not being able to put a complete thought together. I bought a journal that day and started writing everything that came to mind. The injustice. Hate cancer. Can't find my hope anymore. I miss her. It's not fair. She was only 30-something. Her son. Her husband. God?

When I was done, nothing had changed on the outside. She was still gone. But I could breathe again. And to my surprise, my pen had led me back to The One who is my hope.

After that, I journaled regularly because I saw the power in it. Until circa 1996 when someone close to me read my journal and used its contents against me. You see, I used my journal to pour out all of my feelings and torments because it helped me process all that was going on. I would write it out, then sort through and see what was truth and what was not. Lots of our thoughts are false. From there, I would grow, knowing truth from lie. The problem with that was it was all on paper and I never thought anyone would have access to it. The person who read my journal took things personally. And so I hit a wall. A journaling wall.

I haven't really journaled since then. I try and stop, try and stop. I don't trust the journal anymore.

This week's news about Mother Teresa's journals being exposed has renewed my hurt about my journal being read. She requested that her journals be destroyed. Yet the guardians of her journal have chosen to publish them. At first, I was outraged. She gave her whole life to others. How dare they invade her private life in her death. Her last request denied. But as I read the article about her spiritual struggles that she wrote about in her journals, I saw the wisdom of allowing others a glimpse into this part of her life. How many times have I felt that spiritual emptyness? And now I know that Mother Teresa also felt it, yet she never gave up and continued to serve God all the days of her life. Her's was truly a life of service without expection of reward here on earth. I'm looking forward to reading Come Be My Light.

Well, back to my journaling wall. I want to start writing again. I like the idea of electronic paper and pen because of my friends, Backspace and Undo. This is my first entry, so I don't know for sure, but am hoping, that there is a way for me to mark my entries as private or public. This helps me get more comfortable with being honest in my writing. I need to remember that some things I write, especially when I'm processing, will turn out to be false thoughts and exaggerations written in the passion of an emotionally-charged moment. But I don't want to edit too much. I want this to be a real and honest blog of my life. In reading other's blogs, I find I get encouragement from having a glimpse into someone's life that says they're not perfect, and yet it doesn't take away from the good in their posts, or in M.T.'s case, in her life.

Gives me hope for my life.

A hui hou (until we meet again),
Lisa

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