I was driving to work this morning on Mokulele Highway. Mokulele, by the way, means airplane (moku=boat; lele=jumping, as in uku-lele) because the first airport on Maui was located in that area. They are doing a lot of road improvements along that 6-mile road, and they have been for several years now. My husband (and many other residents) prefers to bypass the road altogether until they are done. I, on the other hand, like to see the changes going on. Just when you begin to get used to the road going a certain way, they change it and we have a new detour. At the intersection on the Kihei end, there is lots going on. It fascinates me and makes my imagine go wild wondering what they are up to. I wish...I wish...if only I could see the end result now! There is dirt and concrete and asphalt going all kinds of ways, I just am so anxious to see how it will turn out. I bet if I knew how it would turn out, it would make it that much easier to put up with the delays and detours.
Isn't that the way life is too? There are people and circumstances and times in my life that just make me anxious. Delays...detours. Sometimes I just wish I could see the end result. Maybe that would make it easier to live through. Like with my daughter. At one point, she wanted to be an anchor woman on the nightly news. But then she had a brush with the law earlier this year (yes, it's been quite a year), and since then she's wanted to be a Family Court Officer. This is because the lady who took her case was both firm and gentle at the same time, and it moved K. She saw how that lady makes a difference in young people's lives.
But then, life goes on and she does these things that teenagers do, and I just wish I could see the end result. Is she just getting all the experiences in so she knows what she's talking about later on when she actually is a Family Court Officer? She'll be able to say, "oh, yes, I've been there, I've done that. Nothing new to me." And the kids she's helping will go, "wow, she's been through a lot, but she came through it. There must be hope for me.
To think of it that way gives me hope.
A hui hou,
Lisa
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Wish I Could See The End Result
Monday, September 3, 2007
Motherhood
It's a good week when I learn something new about myself, even if it's a hard week. My daughter K is 14 years old and I don't know if it's hormones, lack of sleep, or rebellion, but we had an all-out one this week. I actually slapped her, which is quite unusual. She has always been a pretty compliant child. I don't recall spanking her at all after the terrific twos or so. She just wouldn't do anything wrong.
But then came last Tuesday. The battle was over something minor but the attitude was major, and immediately after slapping her, I regretted it. She yelled something about calling CPS (before the slap) and I yelled back if I could make the call for her. I was ready to ground her for life, make her quit cheering, everything was at risk. I tried to apologize, but she wouldn't receive it.
In reflecting on it the past few days, I realized something I think is profound. God says, "You shall have no other gods before me." I remember asking Him a couple of years ago to show me in contemporary ways what another god looks like. How does that verse apply to me?
In my parenting, I give my children all of me - every drop. My time, money, energy, thoughts, service. And in return (this is what I realized), I expect something: gratitude, love, obedience. I think I even expect them to do/be something when they grow up that would make me proud of them.
These things in and of themselves are not bad. They are all good things. But that isn't unconditional love I'm giving them. It's very conditional.
I also realized that I gain a certain amount of my self-esteem by how my children react to me. And in that way, I am finding my self-worth in something other than my Creator. I am looking to something else to fulfill me. In essence I am saying to God, "I am not complete in you. You are not all that I need."
But God, in His wisdom and grace, sees where that path leads. If my self-worth is dependent upon anything but Him, sooner or later I will be crushed. So what He is doing is stripping that away from me. No longer can I hide behind my children and expect them to give me a feeling of self-worth. It's too big a burden for them. It isn't fair to them. When I look to God and Him alone to tell me who I am, it frees me to simply love my children without expectation. And without that expectation, perhaps the love will flow back from them to me. And if not, then it is still okay, because God says I am loved, and I am His and nothing will ever change that.
Contemporary Idol #1: Children