Everytime I come back to Honolulu, my mom looks better and better. She is more alert. She still doesn't know who I am, but I'm not phased by it anymore. I know who I am. This has been the most relaxing Christmastime I have ever had in my life. My sole focus has been taking care of my mom here on Oahu, and then when I'm on Maui, I catch up on work and household chores, getting ready to come back to Oahu. I'm giving just one gift this year...
...that is time with my mom. That's the only gift I can give. And it will be enough. My family is understanding, although my 16-year-old was at first taken aback by the news. This year, Christmas is different. When I'm at the hospital, some of the time is spent taking care of mom, some of the time is spent watching her sleep. I don't watch tv anymore, so I've been reflecting on Jesus coming, reading my Bible, praying for people, keeping it very simple. I'm not making lists or checking them twice, I'm not shopping at stores or online. It's been very nice and I hope to incorporate some of this year's Christmas into future years' Christmases.
Oh, but this was supposed to be an update about my mom. She is seeing the physical therapists and they are hopeful she will be able to walk again. She says more words now, but only when she feels like it, hardly ever on command. She sees her right arm and is trying to get it to work, which means she is aware of her condition somewhat. My prayer request is that she would have healing enough to be able to be at home and live for as long as her heart and lungs are working. We are looking to place her in a nursing home in Pearl City now. The Kapolei nursing home is good too, but the city & county of Honolulu has just two ambulances to serve the whole Waianae-Maili-Nanakuli coast, and so everytime my mom needed to go back to Kaiser Hospital, the ambulances can only take her as far as the nearest hospital (St. Francis West). They have to admit her, get her on meds, then request another ambulance to take her from there to Kaiser. This is very hard on her frail body. We will not have that problem at the Pearl City nursing home. We're still looking for short-term nursing with the goal to have her at home if at all possible. But my dad is her primary caregiver and he is 78 years old, so mom will need to be able to walk a bit and communicate her needs first. Otherwise, we'll end up with two parents needing care.
I find it heartwarming that my dad is wanting to care for his bride in her older years. I think of my friend Debbie's dad who did the same - visiting his bride at Hale Makua every day for a couple of years. And I also think of the character in the movie The Notebook, who lived in the same nursing home as his wife so he could read to her their story every day. The love portrayed in this simple act of caring for your aging spouse brings me to tears. It is such a true, unselfish love, not unlike God's love for us.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Update on Mom - 12/23
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Update on Mom, 12/10
Last night was a tough one. Mom had an infection and a fever, chills. Her heart rate was 101 (normal is about 70), she was distressed. I thought back a few years to when my grandma was in the hospital. I walked into her room at Queen's and it was quite obvious to me that she was in her last days. But my two aunties, Auntie Momi and Auntie Pua, were there and talking about how well their mom was doing and that she was going to get better and go home. And I remember thinking, "these girls are in denial".
So last night, as we watched my mom's condition deteriorate, I couldn't help but think, "are me and Camille in denial?" I don't think I am, but I think my sister was. So I just prayed...for comfort for my mom, for the Lord's hand in her life and in her death, and for my sister - strength and wisdom. Then this morning, my sister said she thinks mom is dying. We talked about it, and know that when the Lord calls mom home, then she goes. When her body has had enough, then she will pass from this life to the next.
Our days are numbered by God, and nothing in our life or death happens without his permission. This is true no matter if we are 72, or 22. So I remind everyone again to sign your advance healthcare directive, lest you end up in limbo like Terry Schiavo did for 15 years.
Today, mom's condition improved thanks to antibiotics and prednisone. She interacted with the three therapists - physical, occupational and speech. They are hopeful that mom could regain some of her functions. We will need to wait and see.
I need to brace for a long haul, a physically and emotionally draining long haul. Take my vitamins, draw near to God, get some exercise, eat right. Thank you all for praying for me and for my family. Please continue to pray for my mom, and also for my husband and children who have to do without me when I come over to Honolulu. They don't complain at all. Gee - I wonder if that's a good thing :).
Monday, December 8, 2008
Update on mom, Dec. 8
I arrived here on Oahu today for a three-day tour. My mom is doing better, although she told the nurse she was not related to me. But this is how I model for my girls..."how to take care of mommy when mommy doesn't know who you are."
The key is to keep a sense of humor and a grateful heart. I am so grateful to God. My mom's staph infection calmed down and she is scheduled to be transferred to the nursing home in Kapolei tomorrow at noon! What a blessing.
She took a few steps today. She ate lots of pureed stuff. I think it's funny how the chefs here try to make pureed foods look appealing. They try! When I was reading the paper to her, she grabbed the paper and made like she was reading one of the smaller articles. I couldn't figure out if she really was. And when the speech therapist was here, I called Malia, so the therapist could hear mom talk to Malia. Mom will talk if she's on the phone, but not if we're in the room with her. An interesting phonomenon.
I feel confident that she will be able to eat more soon, with the help of the therapists, and then we won't need to make that awful decision about her feeding tube.
More later...gotta get back to the room.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Staph germs in hospitals
My mom has a staph infection now. So I'm advising my sister and brothers not to stay in the hospital anymore. It really bugs me that most people get a staph infection from being in the hospital. There's something backwards about that.
My mom also has a lot of CO2 in her body due to her not being able to take deep breaths. When we take deep breaths, it helps our body get rid of carbon dioxide. As a result, she is lethargic and not responding much.
I guess she also had pneumonia but no one told us. They have that under control now.
Due to the staph infection, it doesn't look like mom will be moved to Kapolei tomorrow. Bummer.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Update on my mom #3
It was good to get back into the work routine although I still wish I lived closer to my mom so I could help out. Yesterday morning, as I was saying goodbye to my mommy, I asked her if she knew who I was. She shook her head, "no". I said, "I'm your daughter, Lisa. Do you know who I am?" She shook her head again. I went down the list of family members and she only nodded to Kapua and Danny. She didn't even know who Annette was (that's her name). By the time I reached the car, I was crying like a baby. I guess I need to process the loss of relationship with my mom as it used to be. I'm really sad.
On a more positive note, it looks like our prayers have been answered as she will be moving to the nursing home in Kapolei, making it easier for my dad to visit her every day. Thank you all for praying with us.
at 10:03pm on November 28th, 2008
Many blessings to you
at 10:03pm on November 28th, 2008
at 10:36pm on November 28th, 2008
at 8:58am yesterday
I am so sorry about your Mom - I pray that the peace of God will surround you continuously because He is the only one who can give you comfort at this time. My prayers are with you and your family. It is good that your Dad will be able to go and see your Mom now.
love
Lulu
at 12:49pm yesterday
Much love, Karen
at 1:44pm yesterday
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:1-3
Love,
Maisha
at 2:18pm yesterday
Try to remember all the good things/good memories of
times spent with your Mom before this happened.
Hugs and Prayers
at 3:02pm yesterday
at 3:17pm yesterday
Also, I had no idea you were planning on going back to college! Yeah, you! Trust God and His timing.
I miss you. Dad wants us to come back for the anniversary of mom's death. I might be there for Christmas, but due to school starting, I cannot stay until the 4th. I'll keep you posted.
Aloha
at 8:41pm yesterday
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Update on my mom #2
Mom had a feeding tube surgically inserted into her stomach yesterday so she is in some pain today. She was able to stand for a few seconds, sit for a few seconds, swallowed a tiny bit of applesauce. Still not coherent most of the time, but has had a few moments of clarity. Cannot speak, but shakes her head "no", nods "yes".
We go to a nursing home in Kapolei Wednesday to talk about options there. PLEASE PRAY my mom can get placed there. The Kaiser doctor who sees patients there is great, the place is accessible to my dad for daily visits. It would be a huge blessing for mom to be there.
I'm headed home Thursday morning (Thanksgiving Day). These are the times I wish I lived on the same island as my parents. I miss JB, Britt & Malia so much, but I feel like I'm bailing on my family.
On the drive over to the hospital tonight, I was reflecting on our human-ness. Our aging is part of God's design in us. We take care of our bodies, eat right, get exercise, don't smoke, all to get the best mileage and quality of life out of our bodies as possible. But even so, as we age, we don't have a magic "off" switch we can flip that lets us escape this process of aging where our body breaks down and our mind loses some functions. I thought about why we are designed this way. I know this: God has a reason for everything. He didn't make a mistake in the design or leave one switch out. It could be that he uses a parent's aging process to grow "something" in the children, spouse and loved ones of the aging one. I know for myself, I feel myself growing in the areas of caring, empathy, patience, service, devotion, compassion - and not just for my mom, but for my whole family, and for other families who are or will be going through this same process.
Sowing and reaping. On the one hand, one would think that if you sow good health, you shouldn't reap failing health in aging, but that is not the case. No matter how well you take care of your body, if you live long enough, it will break down. I think about the give and take in life and I'm reminded that Kit Lauer's illness brought full circle the care and concern he has had for others through the years, when they came to his and Shelly's aid in their time of need. That's sowing and reaping. So balance is good. Take care of your health, but take care of your relationships too.
Another way God may use the aging process for a purpose would be in saying "a hui hou" (until we meet again) to our loved ones. If there were a switch we could flip when we were ready to check out of this life, it would be nice and clean for us, but hard on family members left behind. But throw in a little (actually an awful lot) of pain and agony, and after a while, death almost becomes a friend. We don't want to see our loved ones suffer beyond what their body and mind can bear. That's inhumane.
No easy answers, but I find comfort in the fact that God has a purpose for everything.
Unsolicited tip of the day: a universal remote control brought from home makes it way easier to control the hospital TVs. Don't forget to bring the brand codes list.
An idea: someone should do seminars on how to navigate HMOs, Medicare and Medicaid. In the middle of a health crisis is not the time to learn the ins and outs of these systems.
Again, thank you all for your prayers and kind words. Forgive me for rambling on and on...
at 8:42am on November 26th, 2008
at 11:03am on November 26th, 2008
at 3:49pm on November 26th, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Update on my mom #1
Friday was a hard day - the day we had to talk about options. I realize this is very personal information, but it is important information for everyone who has elderly parents, so if you're interested in the subject, read on. If not, I won't take it personally. :)
My mom specified in a legal document that in the event of a terminal illness where she would not be expected to recover, she does not want a feeding tube inserted. So after speaking to her doctor and the social worker, and all of us siblings and my dad, we came up with a plan. We will look for a temporary nursing home (not private home, but like Hale Makua) for mom to be in for the next 100 days. This gives us enough time to wait and see. After the 100 days, if mom can eat, she goes home and my dad will be her caregiver (best case scenario). They can at that point look into something called Nursing Home Without Walls which Medicaid pays for if you qualify (and they do). If she doesn't improve, then we will need to go by her wishes and remove her feeding tube. Then at that point, hospice will assist us in my parents' home, administering morphine to be sure my mom isn't in too much pain. And in time nature will take its course and she will go be with Jesus.
I love my family so much. We are all united in our thinking, which is huge for something like this. It is one less thing to stress about.
I decided to stay in Honolulu until Thursday because we need to call nursing homes and visit them and see which home we prefer out of those that have open beds. Please pray that the one in Kapolei has an open bed for my mom. It is clean, modern, peaceful, and close to Waianae, which will make it easy for my dad to visit my mom every day. He would be able to catch a ride with my brother, who works in Kapolei at the golf course.
The one thing that would be a bummer is if no beds are available on the Westside of the island, and there is a bed available in a faraway place. If that happens... if we refuse a nursing home that is available, then we either have to just take mom home or pay all expenses for her to stay at Kaiser Moanalua. So in that case, we would not refuse, but then my dad wouldn't be able to see her every day. So please pray that one is available close by, if not in Kapolei.
My piece of unsolicited advice today is... have a clear filing system to keep the following documents for whomever might qualify for Medicaid services. To qualify, a person must be 65 or older, blind or disabled, the household would need to have less than $104,000 in assets, primary home excluded, and earn less than $2,600 or so in monthly income. That's two people on social security, believe it or not. Thank goodness my parents live with my brother; I don't know how they would make ends meet otherwise. And my brother doesn't count as part of the household, according to the Medicaid coordinator at Kaiser.
So the list of documents: birth certificate, picture ID, social security card, marriage certificate, bank & financial account statements, life insurance (cash value) records (throw away references to expired to canceled policies), funeral plans, real property ownership & tax records, retirement funds, family trust info, proof of other assets, social security award letter, pension benefit letter, veteran's benefits, pay stubs, proof of other income.
Also, be sure to have a power of attorney signed. We can't find my mom's copy although I'm pretty sure she signed one. I now have to hope and pray the insurance companies, etc, will give me information as I sift through her old and current policies.
My mom is opening her eyes more, which is hopeful. Thank you all for praying for us! We can feel your prayers and God's strength sustaining us through days and days of inadequate sleep. You can pray that we all stay healthy because we all take shifts and one person being ill would mess up our rhythm.
An interesting tip for those who come to Oahu sometimes: In Waikele, there is a lumpia kiosk called Alyssandra's Lumpia Express - OMG! Lumpia made right there as you wait, fresh and warm and ONO!
at 8:50pm on November 23rd, 2008
Thanks for all the organization tips, too. That's a help...and you are always such a great helper! Love you.
at 10:12pm on November 23rd, 2008
I can't even begin to understand, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you! I love you!
at 10:45pm on November 23rd, 2008
Thanks for the advice and I'll hope for the best for you all!
at 2:42am on November 24th, 2008
continuing to pray for you and your family.
at 6:50am on November 24th, 2008
Will continue to keep you all in my prayers.
By the way, just love that last paragraph about the lumpia...somehow food just seems to lift my heart like nothing else can, hahaha. Love you, Lisa!
at 9:25am on November 24th, 2008
at 2:41pm on November 24th, 2008
So sorry you are having to indure this painful Journey.
Prayer for you and your Family will continue, and thankyou for keeping us up-dated and sharing your life with us all!
♥ nancy
at 9:24pm on November 24th, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
My mom had a stroke
Today I arrived at Kaiser Moanalua. My mom had a stroke that did a lot of damage to her brain, according to the CT scan. They think a blood clot traveled from her heart directly up to her brain. So I guess once the brain tissue dies, it doesn't regenerate. But sometimes the working parts of the brain compensate for the loss and a stroke victim can regain some functions.
This is just day one, so we will have to wait and see. Because mom has a lot of other health issues (lung cancer, advanced emphysema, congestive heart failure, pacemaker, cirrhosis of the liver), the doctors are not offering us much hope. 5% was the number the doctor gave us - 5% chance of regaining some functions. This absence of hope is a drag. My family and I would rather hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. So we talk openly about what the future may hold, but we pray and hope for a good bit of healing to take place. We'll just have to wait and see.
My mom opens her eyes briefly, she will look us straight in the eyes, then close her eyes. She moves her left side quite a bit, but hardly ever on command. She won't open her mouth or stick out her tongue on command so they can't feed her. And they need to look at her Advance Healthcare Directive tomorrow to see what she had specified as far as inserting a feeding tube goes. This is a good time to remind everyone, young and old, to sign your AHD asap.
My sister and brothers and I are taking shifts at the hospital to have someone at the hospital all the time. We are all very thankful for each other, and for understanding employers.
I'm reading Psalms to my mom, but I'm taking out the parts where the writer is saying "slay my enemies" and what not. :) Don't want to give her bad dreams.
at 10:05pm on November 20th, 2008
at 11:19pm on November 20th, 2008
at 4:18am on November 21st, 2008
at 7:47am on November 21st, 2008
at 8:49am on November 21st, 2008
♥ you
at 9:40am on November 21st, 2008
I admire Your strength, which indicates to all that you have spent much time in Scripture and at the Lords feet for only He could give such power!
Prayer will continue for you and your family. may God continue to strengthen you in this difficult time,
Love nancy
at 11:05am on November 21st, 2008
at 8:38pm on November 21st, 2008
I know our Lord is keeping watch over you and especially mom. Keep your eyes focused on Him...hold strong to your Faith...
Praying for you, my friend ~
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Spiritual Pride
It has been quite a while since my last post. I have good reason though. I've been going through such personal trials that I had to switch over to my private blog for a while. My daughter is 15. Need I say more?
But tonight what is on my mind is a group of young people who are members of "The Brethren". Not the large group of believers, but the small group of nomads. They are led by one Jim Roberts aka Brother Evangelist aka The Elder. They are a Christian cult and I just finished reading a book about them, "From Dean's List to Dumpsters" by Jim Guerra. Excellent book. Every Christian ought to read his book. I'm interested in the group of people because back in the Fall of 2000, I was either dropping off or picking up my daughter at the dorms of the University of Hawaii, and there were these posters of a missing girl. Her name was (is) Kellie Domen. She and her boyfriend at the time, Benjamin Mejia, joined The Brethren in October of 2000. My heart ached for her family and through the years I've prayed for her off and on, and looked up her name on Google. This time, I found her mom's letters that she posted on the parent site, so I emailed her mom to let her know I would be praying daily for her Kellie, who now goes by the name Sister Mariah. I also needed to ask her permission to submit this prayer request at my church and she say that would be okay. I was hoping she would email me back that first time to tell me that Kellie had in fact returned home, but that was not the case. Kellie has been away from her family for going on eight years. Her mom did see her for a quick visit.
Anyway, about the book. I was able to gain insight into how to pray for Kellie. I also received a bonus benefit that was not expected. I saw me and my fellow mainstream Christians from the viewpoint of a young person in college. They see compromise. They see lukewarm faith. And it impacts them. It also makes them vulnerable to this particular cult. That is because The Brethren are sold-out for Christ, living solely to tell others about Jesus. Or so they say. In reality they too have their issues. But that's what attracts young people to them - they are not lukewarm, they don't compromise their faith. This compels me to examine my life.
Another bonus insight is regarding judging and pride. There is a part in the book where the author talks about fasting. He was fasting for a week and he found himself comparing his fasting to that of the others in the group. He felt "more spiritual" (his pride). He started to judge the others as not being as spiritual as he was. And on other occasions, when he was around town or hitching a ride to the next town, he would catch himself being judgmental toward those outside his group. He would refer to outsiders as carnal and not as good as he. This sent my mind on a tangent. Do I do that? I can see how easy it would be to do that. If we're not careful, we can turn Pharisee-like...judging other people. I do see it in the Christian community, which is so sad. We need to daily remind ourselves that the only difference between us and someone who is not a Christian is God's mercy (undeserved grace). We knew that at the moment of our salvation, but we tend to forget, and the farther we move away from our outward sins, the easier it is to start looking down on those who have yet to receive that mercy. I dread falling into that and I'm sure it is always unintentional, but damaging nevertheless.
I look around at other groups of people and I see that the same thing can happen just about anywhere. Home-schooling parents can make me feel like they are better than traditional schooling parents. Vegetarians can really make me feel like a lesser human being because I love a Ruby's burger. Eco-conscious individuals can make me feel guilty for not recycling as much as them. I (drive a sedan, would like a hybrid) catch myself thinking judging thoughts about all the SUV drivers I see. I know it's because we believe so strongly in our cause, but there has to be a way to believe deeply in something, and yet still extend grace to others who don't believe the way we do.
I'm sure some of it is internal inside me. No matter how hard we try to be sensitive to the feelings of others, we will always unintentionally offend people because we don't know what kind of filters they're viewing things through due to their life experiences. But I pray that God would give me a new awareness of what I say and do. When I'm working on my spiritual growth, I need to make sure I don't subconsciously prop myself up above anyone else. I need to be mindful of the words I use.