This week at work we welcomed eight young adults as our interns for the next year. At our staff meeting, they gave us a little background on themselves and shared how they became followers of Jesus Christ. It was refreshing, moving, emotional, and inspiring. So much so, that I want to write my story of how I, too, became a follower of Christ.
When I was four years old, my family moved to a neighborhood that would be our home for the next 14 years. The day we moved, I made a friend who invited me to church, so the next Sunday, and off and on for the next 14 years, I attended a small neighborhood church with her and her father. At that church, I learned a good deal about God and his son, Jesus. I knew without a doubt that God was real. When I was 11 years old, I decided that I believed that Jesus died for my sins so that I could go to heaven because of him, and not on my own performance, and I was baptized. I became a Christian.
Then my life took a turn. At 12, I was molested by a neighbor boy. It wasn't a rape; it was inappropriate touching, but it was so traumatic to me as a preteen, that I blocked it out of my memory for about 20 years. Although I didn't remember that abuse, I started to live the kind of life one would expect of a victim of sexual abuse to live: reckless, promiscuous, self-sabotaging. I had low self-esteem. I started on a long journey of depression. And because I didn't remember the abuse, I just thought I was flawed, dirty.
At church on Sundays, I would sincerely devote myself to God, longing to be a good person to show him how much I appreciated his love for me. But then through the week, I would fail time and time again in trying to do good and be good. This went on for several years. I got married at age 19 to a someone who thought I tricked him into marrying him. Who really knows? I didn't do it intentionally, but I accept that subconsciously I could have been that manipulating. I was rather dysfunctional. We gave it our best shot, but divorced after five years.
I was a single mom, working two jobs to survive. What started out as an addiction to NoDoz ended up being an addiction to crystal meth. I began to drink more and more. At that point, I said to God, "I'm sorry, but I don't know why I cannot "be a good Christian" like so many people around me. I feel like I'm missing a piece in a puzzle. I just don't get it. I try so hard to do good, but I fail every time. I can no longer call myself a Christian, because I am a disgrace to that word. I really am sorry, but I guess I just don't have what it takes."
With that, I walked away from God, still knowing that he was real.
A few months later, I met JB (who is my husband now) and he had a surfing buddy who went to church. We started to go to church too, and there I learned about the Holy Spirit, and how, when Jesus was resurrected and went to heaven, the Holy Spirit came and can live within us and help us in our decisionmaking and in living our life. As I learned more, I came to realize that the Holy Spirit was the piece of the puzzle that I was missing. In the past, I was trying to change my behavior by myself, when actually it was the Holy Spirit who could change me from the inside out! My part was simply giving up control of my life and allowing the Holy Spirit to be in control.
So I did just that. For six months, I took it one day at a time, and gave up control every morning. I said out loud, "God, without you, I can do nothing, but through you, I can do all things." Within two weeks, I was free from crystal meth, and although I had cravings for it for three years, I always relied on God's power through the Holy Spirit to get me through. Within two months, I gave up drinking, and to this day, I have never gotten drunk again. I do have an occasional drink.
Seven years later, my mind allowed me to remember the molestation I suffered as a child, and that led me to get counseling and to learn how to manage my predisposition to depression, by learning what triggers it, and learning that I have a voice ... and I can speak up.
In looking back on my life, I realize that, at age 11, God became my savior, and if I had died, I would have gone to heaven because I did believe in him. But at age 26, God became my LORD, having "lordship" or control over my life. It has been 19 years since then, and it has been a wonderful adventure.
Life as a Christian is not free from pain, loss, and heartbreak. And I am not anywhere near perfect. But because I know that God is in control of my life, I can be assured that anything that comes into my life, good or bad, has a purpose. I have so much to be thankful for, and I shudder to think how my life would be right now if I had never given control of my life over to God. Any good in my life is the result of the Holy Spirit living in me. To God be all glory!
What's your story?
A hui hou,
Lisa
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Knowing God
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Online Check-in, Sewing
I love that I live in this time in the history of the world! When I woke up this morning, I had already checked in for my flight to Honolulu last night, so I went straight to the security check at the airport, then to the gate. I waited awhile, boarded my plane, flew to Honolulu, got off the plane, caught the Alamo shuttle to their station, and ...
I checked in online for the car too!!! So I got off the shuttle and went straight to the section in their car lot that said "compact cars," chose a car and proceeded to the exit, where I showed my paperwork and driver's license to the gate guy. The whole travelling experience was perfect, except that the only car they had for me to choose from was a bright yellow chevy-something-small. I told my sister, who lives in Ma`ili, that she would see me coming when I was in Nanakuli. It's so bright, it says, "RENTAL CAR - TOURIST." You don't want your car to say that anywhere near Ma`ili.
I introduced my family to my blog. They seem interested and may even blog themselves. I'm excited!
I did a little bit of sewing (mending) today and was reminded of my love for sewing. I used to sew a lot but life got busy and I got distracted, and I reduced my sewing to necessary mending. Mending is a chore...it's not for pleasure. Then sewing didn't seem that appealing to me. But I miss it now.
When I started writing tonight, I really just wanted to blog about my sewing, but surprisingly, I think there is actually a spiritual application to this sewing thing. When I first heard about God's love for me, I was really into it. I wanted to read the Bible and know more about him. I wanted to worship him as much as possible. But somewhere along the way, life got busy and I got distracted, and I reduced my thoughts about God to "necessary mending." Only when I needed a little mending would I turn my attention to God. It can feel like a chore sometimes.
But I miss it now! That's kind of related to what I was reading and writing about in my Bible study blog this week. I love it when that happens, when God uses several different ways to make the same point. This week it is about the busy-ness of life and how it gets us off balance.
I want to start sewing again, for fun. I want to adore God again, with my whole heart.
A hui hou,
Lisa
Monday, September 3, 2007
Motherhood
It's a good week when I learn something new about myself, even if it's a hard week. My daughter K is 14 years old and I don't know if it's hormones, lack of sleep, or rebellion, but we had an all-out one this week. I actually slapped her, which is quite unusual. She has always been a pretty compliant child. I don't recall spanking her at all after the terrific twos or so. She just wouldn't do anything wrong.
But then came last Tuesday. The battle was over something minor but the attitude was major, and immediately after slapping her, I regretted it. She yelled something about calling CPS (before the slap) and I yelled back if I could make the call for her. I was ready to ground her for life, make her quit cheering, everything was at risk. I tried to apologize, but she wouldn't receive it.
In reflecting on it the past few days, I realized something I think is profound. God says, "You shall have no other gods before me." I remember asking Him a couple of years ago to show me in contemporary ways what another god looks like. How does that verse apply to me?
In my parenting, I give my children all of me - every drop. My time, money, energy, thoughts, service. And in return (this is what I realized), I expect something: gratitude, love, obedience. I think I even expect them to do/be something when they grow up that would make me proud of them.
These things in and of themselves are not bad. They are all good things. But that isn't unconditional love I'm giving them. It's very conditional.
I also realized that I gain a certain amount of my self-esteem by how my children react to me. And in that way, I am finding my self-worth in something other than my Creator. I am looking to something else to fulfill me. In essence I am saying to God, "I am not complete in you. You are not all that I need."
But God, in His wisdom and grace, sees where that path leads. If my self-worth is dependent upon anything but Him, sooner or later I will be crushed. So what He is doing is stripping that away from me. No longer can I hide behind my children and expect them to give me a feeling of self-worth. It's too big a burden for them. It isn't fair to them. When I look to God and Him alone to tell me who I am, it frees me to simply love my children without expectation. And without that expectation, perhaps the love will flow back from them to me. And if not, then it is still okay, because God says I am loved, and I am His and nothing will ever change that.
Contemporary Idol #1: Children